(1) When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.
(2) SUIT UP!
(3) Are you nuts? That would involve me speaking to a woman I've already had sex with… which frankly is a little bit like changing the oil in a rental car!
(4) Barney: I can't go. I've got this thing.
Lily: What thing?
Barney: A penis.
(5) Go whore or go home! Now ladies SLUT UP!
(6) If I was a bad liar, I'd be in jail for purgery. But let's not talk about work!
(7) You broke up with a pornstar?! Friendship over. FRIENDSHIP OVER!!!
(8) One of the twenty-four similarities between girls and fish is that they're both attracted to shiny objects.
(9) We redocarated my place... We stayed in on a friday night to watch "Letterman" and then slept together and didn't have sex. Oh my God!..., we are in a relationship!!
(10) Barney: I don't like you. I mean, I don't like you that way. I used to like you that way, but now that I've seen everything there is to see... I don't know. I kind of want to see those same parts, just on other girls. Other girls and you, if you're into that. But the other girls have to be there, too. That's the important part.
Wendy the waitress: Gosh, you're just terrified of ever getting close to anyone aren't you?!
Barney: Or that..., let's say it's that! So... can I get a gin and tonic?
(11) I gaze upon the glory of The Price is Right, and I see the face of America. And it is divine. Plus, you know, hot chicks on sports cars!
(12) I've done some bad things, I mean REALLY bad things. At one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language but I shook a guy's hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there.
(13) This is going to be legen... (wait for it)... dary!
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